Went to the fair with Katelyn and spent a lot of time with Rio and Candice.

Now I'm tired.
Lots of drunks on a bus at 11:30 on a Saturday.

...I miss Caitlin


My name: Molly Caitlin and Rachel are thebestest woodford-Cathcart-Ireland

Summarize me in three words: I love You

Where did we meet: Jobies

Take a stab at my middle name: sexy?

How long have you known me: 7 years

When is the last time that we saw each other: majority ceremony april 6

Do I drink: yes?


Do I smoke: no

Am I happy: most of the time...cause i love you

Am I a good person: werd

What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me: shes short

What's one of my favorite things to do: sleepover at Caities house

Am I funny: hilarious

How do you make me smile: be caitie

What's my favorite type of music: caitlin

Have you ever seen me cry: yes

Can I sing?: not all the time

What is the best feature about me: your awesomeness

Am I shy or outgoing: hahahahahah!

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules: rebel

Do I have any special talents: your strange ability to be spectacular

Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what): gay...yup definatley gay

Have you ever hugged me: thats a dumb question

Kissed me?: yuppers

What is my favorite food: samiches and juice boxes...oh wait thats mine

Have you ever had a crush on me: i still do

Am I dating anyone: i think so

If there was one good nickname for me,
what would it be?: mollypantssss

What's your favorite memory of me?: sleepovers and roadtrips

What is my worst habit: spazzing


If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring?: a canada flag

Are we friends?: nope

Do I believe in God?: yup

Am I family oriented?: kinda

Who is my best friend?: Caitlin

Will you repost this so I can do it?:
i already did

I just wish I were sleeping.

Sooo amazing

So my night was pretty rad, even though I got a bloody nose from piggy back wrestling.
(Ben and I are the ultimate duo and totally deserved to win)
So the photo montage beginsssss...

-----------------------------------------


Ben and I like to mirror murder mysteries on my digital camera

The following people endured the wrath of Katelyn Bledsoe






Keeley Mowatt: Ordinary 14 year old now, but
future supermodel all in due time.

The war hadn't even started yet, this was just
during the making of the bombs.

Flour bomb waaaars

The Idea: The Grand Tower of Youth Groupia!

The Construction: Rome was not built in a day,
but this poorly planned tower was built in 30 seconds

The downfall: Poor poor Tower of Youth Groupia (actually, this may
or may not have been my fault, as I was the top of the tower
and I kind of slipped.)

Caitlyn loves her spaghetti, crackers and rice pudding

Caitlyn puking her spaghetti, crackers and rice pudding

Caitlyn + Morin = SOOO in love (he is not stoked)

Best friiiiiiends (bright flaaaaash)


...also, I love Michelle Hetu... a lot.

Michelle Hetu (Wellington Secondary School) wrote
at 11:15pm on May 11th, 2007

"Molly Woodford
is wishing that every single male on the planet would do her a favour and drop off the face of it for a little while."

i have an idea on how we can make this happen.
i say that you and i go to wal-mart and see if we can buy a gun, and if that fails, we go to a gun store and buy huge machine guns like the terminator had, then we go all rambo on the male species.. and then once all the men are dead, we have a picnic with juice boxes and little pb&j sandwiches minus the bread crust, and reflect on our good work. and since most police officers and political people are males, we won't have to worry about being in any trouble.
it's a fool-proof plan. =]
oh, and after we exterminate the male species, we can send their bodies to outer space so that they can't become zombies and eat our brains.
at least not on earth.

Almost Summerrr Town Fair

Good way to spend a Wednesday.
Fair and Friends.<3


Shawn and Katie... who is crying. Good parenting.


"Grandma", Katie, Emma and Shawn


Katelyn + Molly + Roller coaster


Daryl + Morin = n00bs


Katelyn's bum


Daryl cried on this ride.


Taylor and K-dawg's heads?


Deep introspective pictures of Kate and Mary's butts


Kaaatee


Daryl's "sexy" model pose


Daryl's legs with their irregular growth patterns.

ARHAGH

I am sooo stressed out!

Tonight I have practice/donut string at Karen's
Tomorrow is a practice for initiation for jobies and then youth group
(even though they PROMISED not to put practices at the same time as youth group.
I am sooo pissed)
Saturday is the bottle drive at 9am and then a serving right after
Sunday I have church
Monday I'm back to school all over again.
Thursday I have the photography trip to Emily Carr on Granville Island,
we get back at 6:30, and then I have to race to jobies for the initiation.
Friday we head'r to History Maker and I'm doing the play, my testimony AND
taking care of all the kids???

That doesn't include my psychology tests, photography deadlines, 3747 History Maker forms to fill out, criminal record check for taking care of children, permission forms for Emily Carr,
and memorizing all my lines for the play.


HELP!!!

Does anyone else find high school particularly painful?
I don't know what I'd do without my friends... I oinly have 3 classes, and one
of them is PE... yet that building makes me nauseous.
I am so thankful for the weather right now.
I live for lunchtimes outside cartwheeling with Joanne and Katelyn or beating up Derek and Tiffany.
...Or 15 people nerd circles around Jareth.
Good times.
Only a month or so til Summerrrr... and no more NDSS... ever.

(Deep down I love that school... I promise.
Very deep.)

I miss my best friend

√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
i remember that
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
when you told me that
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
vividly
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
really?
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
yeah
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
i remember you telling me you say goodnight to her before you sleep
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
i was thinking about it a couple weeks ago
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
its almost been three years
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
No it hasn't :P
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
well
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
two and a half
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
okay
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
I'll give you that
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
last i checked it was February
now its may
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
time flies when you dont go to school :P
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
i miss being your best friend
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
how did so many things change
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
without anyone noticing
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
we'll never know
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
we just did what we thought we wanted to
and it took awhile
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
we all passed time
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
Remember when we promised we'd always be best friends?
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
find me that conversation
and ill remember
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
haha
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
haha
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
I dont think it was MSN
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
it was before that
In our text message and 9 hr phone conversation stage
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
haha
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
and id always go to bed by 11 so i could get 8 hours sleep
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
ALWAYS
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
we'd start talking at about 430 or 5
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
and that night we stayed up til 4am, so the next day at school we planned to fall asleep on the tables in the art room with "do not disturb" signs on our necks
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
haha
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
yeah
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
we were sweet
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
obvs


-----


√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
i need to go to sleep
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
for your 8 + hours?
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
mmm!
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
gnight lennie
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
we'll be best friends again one day
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
haha
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
otay
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
nightmolly
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
we have to fulfill the BFF prophecy
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
night lenn
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
love you
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
<3
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
<34
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
haha
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
sweet
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
grade nine <34

Pokemon & Ex Beaus

Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
don't make me make an irresistible puppy dog face
$uper[ben] says:
do your worst
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
I'm braiding my hair
$uper[ben] says:
lol
$uper[ben] says:
ok
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
besides
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
you can't see me
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
so my puppy dog face would be put to waste
$uper[ben] says:
it'd still be funny
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
i could just say i did it
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
but actually do nothing at all
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
it's my strongest move
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
I'm not going to waste it
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
it'll take all my energy
$uper[ben] says:
well then
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
I'm like a Pokemon or something
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
...i stayed home Saturday and watched pokemon, okay?
$uper[ben] says:
whys that?
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
i needed a day of rest
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
and there was nothing else on
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
except a pokemon marathon
$uper[ben] says:
someones a little defensive
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
i actually got a little into it
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
besides the fighting, there's a sizzling subplot
$uper[ben] says:
i used to watch it
$uper[ben] says:
but then they kept adding stuff
$uper[ben] says:
i liked my pokemon better when there was 151
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
i remember when EVERYONE had pokemon cards
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
and my friends and i didn't get into it
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
except i found this bat one on the playground
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
and Lennie was gonna pay me to give it to him
$uper[ben] says:
zubat??
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
sure...
$uper[ben] says:
or possibly golbat
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
...wow Ben

---

Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
he was a black bat
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
zubat is blue
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
...that did not just come out of my mouth
$uper[ben] says:
dun dun dunnn

I love best friends

Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
Oh Chris, It felt amazing and I feel sooo loved.
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
but i need sleep now
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
lovelovelove
.:Chris:. -||- .We Pick Our Battles Long Before We Fight Them. -||- says:
Night Mahala Atsopinanopolita<3
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
Night Prince Christopherofolus<3

Blast from the past

Okay,
weirdest thing ever?
So, from the time I was 6 and a half I had two best friends, Alice and Joanne.
They moved there from England and our moms became best friends.
We were all major BFF.
Like sooo close bestfriends.
The "sleep over on a schoolnight cause we pretty much live together anyway" best friends.
Anyway, in the end of grade 6 we moved to Parksville.
I remember Helen (their mom) and my mom (Ellen... funny) cried sooo hard.
Al, Jo and I were like whatever, because we still went to school together.
But I guess when our moms stopped spending time together, so did we.
We weren't in the same classes and we made more friends outside our circle of friends.
The last time I talked to them was at my mom's memorial service.
Helen (who I, at one time, remember calling Mom) was crying harder than anyone else.
She didn't even know my mom was sick.
After the service we hugged and I swear Helen didn't want to let go.
Then I left with Rachel, Veronica and Tori and they went their own way, too.
My next point is, Facebook is the most amazing thing.
I just got this message from noneother than Joanne Vinden.

WOW!!! Molly!! you look absolutley AMAZING in your prom pics!!!!!
was it a fun night?? it's been soo long since we've heard from you!
this is intense, whatcha been up to? mum sends her love
and says you look beautiful:):) alice says hi too!!!


I knew she had a facebook but I didn't really send her a message or anything because
I didn't know what we really were anymore.
Best friends for 7 years? Strangers for 6?
Which one overpowers?
It feels so amazing to know that people that you have completely parted ways with
can still hold a place for you in their hearts, or people from your past still care.

I swear I can hear my mom crying right now.
(Happy tears, naturally)
She's missed her best friend so much.

Catch The Wind

In the chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty, I long to be in the warm hold of your love and mind.
To feel you all around and to take your hand along the sand, I may as well try and catch the wind.
When sundown pales the sky, I wanna hide away behind your smile.
Everywhere I look, your eyes I'd find.
For me to love you now, would be the sweetest thing.
Would make me sing.
But I may as well try and catch the wind.
When rain has hung the leaves with tears, I want you here to count my fears.
To help me leave all my blues behind.
For standing in your heart, it's where I wanna be, and I'll long to be.
But I may as well try and catch the wind.

Secret Oath

I'm racking my brain
trying to comprehend
how, for some unknown reason, our status will remain as friends.
I'm destroying my mind
trying to understand how with little to no effort
you've got me eating out of the palms of your hands

There was not a single spark
when my lips landed on yours in the dark,
but regardless of what happens next
you're my beloved, you just don't know it yet

Tonight I made a secret oath
to keep chasing after you
and I am not going to stop
whether you like it or not

We're murdering our lives
trying to make it work,
but you and I both know that we are a lost cause
and nothing more than specks on this earth

Tonight I made a secret oath
to keep chasing after you
and I am not going to stop
whether you like it or not

Chris Bridge = Amazing

What makes us who we are? Our life experiences? Or is our personalities marked out from birth? Will I ever stop asking rhetorical questions and then going on and on about them? The question I want to address and rant about today is “Are we truly in reality, or is this world nothing but an illusion to suit us?”

I remember being in elementary school and collecting the ‘Animorph’ book series where humans copied the DNA of animals and transformed into them in order to combat an alien race that enslaved the human race. I think this was the first time I ever began wondering ‘Just where the hell am I?” I remember reading that the aliens in the book needed to feed every 3 days and they went to a mysterious layer to do so.

I look back at that time and laugh at my fears. I remember stalking my dad to make sure he wasn’t being controlled by one of these aliens, but I never could keep an eye on him for three days straight. As far as I know, he could still be. What I’m getting at is not that I have a melodramatic way of looking at things, but rather just where are we?

How can you honestly be sure that when you touch the keyboard by your monitor that you’re truly feeling the plastic keys? How do you know that when you have a pop and feel refreshed that you’ve actually tasted it? There have been rumours and experiences that have the world under the impression that you can never completely trust what you see or what you hear; magicians and sound effects are great examples of this. Just because you saw it doesn’t mean it happened or just because it sounds like glass breaking doesn’t actually mean and glass was in fact broken to make that noise.

So what makes you think that you can trust what you can feel and what you can taste? You can’t trust what you smell because they’ve managed to manufacture smells of fruits into other things besides that actual fruit. Honestly speaking, I know what orange smells like but I’ve never actually gotten a scent from an orange. Yeah, you’re probably thinking I’m nuts because I’m so paranoid about this but you yourself don’t know if this reality is a reality at all.

Come on now, if you haven’t seen the matrix let me explain it – don’t dismiss my idea just because I’m a big fan of the trilogy though. In the matrix, computer programs are hooked up to people’s brains and in a way puts them to sleep. They dream that the world they live in, the things they taste, the things they feel are in fact real. There was a quote from one of the bad guys in the movie as he struck a deal with another villain:

“I know that when I put this steak in my mouth… the matrix is telling my brain that is tender and juicy… and you know what I’ve realized? Ignorance is bliss.”

I’m not saying the matrix is real or anything because I personally don’t believe it; it was just a movie. The little hints like that is what got to me; Ignorance truly is bliss. What about all these psychics and magicians you see nowadays? What if they’re some of the few people in this world that were able to see that “Hey! This world isn’t completely real…” and because they saw that this so called “reality” was a ploy, they’ve been able to manipulate it? Far fetched, I know but it’s just a thought. And personally, you’ll never be able to prove it.

None of us will. Reality is an abstract concept that holds no true meaning to it. It’s one of the few words I despise because it’s never been proven or seen for that matter and yet people insist that it’s there. The words Reality, Forever, Nothing, Everything and others among those terms really get to me. How can anyone have everything? How can someone feel nothing? How can Forever be real if there’s an end to everything? What about this reality bullshit? We see flaws in this world that make no sense and have no true definition, and yet we choose to remain naïve and pretend they were never there.

I’ve come too close to dying way too many times to believe there’s a mere coincidence in the way things in this world are conducted. I don’t know for certain if there’s a god; no one does, and anyone who has the balls to stand up to me and tell me flat out that there is a god better bring some bloody proof. And no, bibles don’t fucking count. You can’t believe anything anymore. No one, nothing (these horrible words can be used for this) can be truly trusted.

You never know if tomorrow, your clock could hit 8:00AM and the sun still won’t be up. You don’t know that the sun will rise tomorrow; you just assume it because it happens so often. You don’t know that you’ll still be breathing in the next few minutes; you just assume it because you’ve been doing it for so long. You don’t know how anyone feels because lies are much, much too easy to pull off now.

When it comes down to it, the heart and mind (Who have the nicknames of Skittles and Mittens to me) never tell the truth as it is. Skittles in me is abstract and rather scattered; he lies to no end. Why? Because he knows that the truth hurts people and people matter to him. Nothing is better than knowing that you caused someone to smile in his opinion, so he’d downright lie in order for you to smile. The truth isn’t an option when emotions come into play.

Mittens in me is literally the pessimist; he tells things negatively and often they’re correct. He despises Skittles whereas Skittles adores him. He’s cold-hearted and does what needs to be done, nothing more nothing less. Often I find Skittles lies to me… a lot. He knows I need to hear something positive and he tries to give me false hope, but Mittens takes his thoughts to hell by shooting at them because he knows that the final result in any of Skittles lies are pain.

Why does the mind resent the heart? Because we all have hearts that dare to give a shit for others; the same people who have their hearts lying to others in order for them to feel happy. Nothing said to anyone is truly believable; nothing in this world is real. There is no proof that we aren’t living in some fucked up virtual reality. Every time Skittles reaches out to embrace someone, he ultimately causes pain in them or himself, and when he hurts so does Mittens.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching recently and came to a conclusion on why I feel so wretched most of the time. It’s because I can’t trust people like I used to; I used to believe them when they said they were okay and later find out that they were hurting themselves in some form or fashion. That made me feel horrible because I didn’t press them for information, I couldn’t help them. It was preventable and I couldn’t help them because I wasn’t trustworthy enough.

I started this rant this morning and from the moment I got through the second page I felt numb. I had come to these realizations, and I now know for certain who I am. I’m not going to write it, but I know why I feel horrible and that’s because my heart feels guilty. I’ve done things I shouldn’t have, and I’m feeling a lot of regret but I understand what I’ve got to do. Things that I’ve done in the past are things I can never change, and that’s why I have to look back, acknowledge and be certain that I don’t repeat it. I’ll be sure to show the world the best of me.

As for now? I’m going to kick back and let life drag me along. Whatever will be will be and whatever happens tomorrow will happen then and like always, I’ll take on the problem standing firmly rooted and let it come headfirst. I know now that I am strong. I’m not letting myself be pushed around anymore. I’ll show the world that I can take it on with a grin just like I know I can. There are reasons for everything that happens whether this reality is real or not. Nothing is coincidental in my mind.

As for what makes us who we are? I don’t think anything makes us the way we are. No one makes up your own mind; you do it on your own. Influence is a possibility, but I stand firm by my belief of who we are in this world. We are only who we make ourselves to be…

I need you to reign down on me

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really over my mom's death.
I'm definitely not like I was after she died, I cry every time I think of how painful those nights were. I'd just lie there in the dark and cry for hours.
I'd just shake and bawl for hours, until it became easier to just not try to sleep at all. To do anything but think. I'd sit up every night and talk to Lindsey... or Colin. I haven't talked to that kid really since science in grade 10, we ended up hating eachother... but he was there for me every night until 3am. I used to be so mad at my friends for turning away from me. But what could they have done? It was like I was in an entirely different dimension. They could tell me things, and I'd hear something different. I've known people at this point in my life who do that and it frustrates me so much, but then I think... that was me.


27th January, 2005. 4:14 pm. Oh god

okay.. so.
Apparently I have insomnia... resulting from grief.. that i ASSUMED I had dealt with.. apparently not.
Whatever....

1st January, 2005. 9:03 pm. She said, Kill me faster...

Friend probs. just got worse... so much worse.. but can't get into it..

Theres a pain in my stomach that wont go away.. I wish my mom was here.. I'd spill everything.. with life... with HIM (she knew who I liked) with everything... I feel like there's a pile of rocks on my chest suffocating me and I want to give up... and the more issues piled on me, so are the rocks.. getting harder and harder to breathe.. but it would be so easy to stop breathing.. stop trying.. give up.. it'd be so easy.. so easy

Well gunna go.. adios

5th February, 2005. 8:09 pm. Hmmm.. Life might just work out

Doubt it.. but, ya know.. might as well be the optimistic one like I have been for the past..er.. forever... but of course I can't let anyone know I'm really a closet pessimist.... what would the world become.. everything has changed... Veronica DIDN'T get the guy, Lenn has short ha...er.. shortER hair... I don't fucking feel like pretending like everything's alright.. and I'd rather be in a class with faggotty grade 9's that I DETEST than with my friends... like, I'm tired of some of them.. not saying who but...
And because I love my english teacher.. she's so... I don't know, teenager like.. lol

I like the kind of teacher you WANT to do well for... like her, she said our class will be like a mafia... lol.. we'll have eachother's backs.. and if we have a problem to tell her because if she doesn't know then how can she understand... so afterclass I told her about my mom.. all my 1st semester teachers knew, why not her?
She says she wants to see some of my poetry.. I actually might show her.

8th February, 2005. 3:51 pm. It's Getting Better All the Time

Sem. 2 has been a huge blessing... It's made me at least 15% happier.. (its a start) and it's like.. a fresh start.. since EVERYTHING'S changed...
Today at Lunch Lenn was with us.. then went uptown.. and returned with a Krystal... Veronica couldn't handle it.. its funny now, the way she reacted.. but wasn't at the time..

Molly: Ever feel like eating a tub of icecream
Shannsy: yes...
Molly: and then throwing the bucket at someone's HEAD?
Veronica: oh god yes.. but screw eating the icecream.. a full bucket has a better outcome!
Molly: Have I told you lately that I love you?


It was fucking hillarious...
Not quite as much as afterschool at Ballenas

Tori: Molly -run and hugs me-

Molly: -does nothing- er....

Tori: FINE THEN!

Brittany: Let's go for a walk molly.. like, home.

Tori: -chases after me angrily-

Molly: -laugh- hmm.. what do you want?

Tori: Just NEVERMIND! -Runs off-

-Brittany and Molly laugh hysterically-



10th February, 2005. 10:13 pm. Who Needs A boyfriend.. I HAVE LENNIE

Molly says:
I'm sad.... :(
and it's NOT your fault this time
...well.. you never make me sad.. but..
you know what i mean....

Lenn says:
i know ({) (L)

Molly says:
what were the hugs and hearts for?

Lenn says:
cuz you were sad...

Molly says:
... you get to know my secret now ...

Lenn says:
alright

Molly says:
... every single night i say goodnight to
my mommy... and everynight i wait until i fall asleep
for her to answer me... in the morning it seems stupid..
because i know she wont.. but every night i end up
doing it again...

Lenn says:
its alright to do that molly

Molly says:
i dont care even if it isnt.. because that
wont stop me from doing it... i dont know why i do.. but
i cry myself to sleep every night wishing she'd never
left me

Lenn says:
i cant imagine...:(
whenever i think of your mom its so weird
with her not being there...but for you...
i feel so bad

Molly says:
its okay.. well.. no, i lie.. but it will
be.. no.. lying again.. it'll never be oklay.. and this
empty feeling will never leave.. theres always gunna be
that void that she used to fill.. I'll always have this
ache in my stomach.. Elizabeth is 32 now... her mom died
when she was 15.. its still there
i cant imagine always feeling like this..
but i guess I'll have to start....

Lenn says:
i dont even know what it will feel like in
however many years
my dads 53 and his parents are still
alive

Molly says:
.... i know what it feels like.. I'm not
sure if i'll be able to feel like this my entire life..
god i hope i die young....
you know that sick feeling when you regret
doing something really badly... like a rock is in your
stomach?

Lenn says:
yes...
completely
thats the way you feel all the time isnt
it...?

Molly says:
... it's like. that... 24/7.. and it never
eases... its not regret.. but its the exact feeling...
and sometimes I get into an alright mood enough to put
it out of my mind for maybe 15 mins.. but its always
there
not like it comes and goes.. I've just
learned to ignore it sometimes

Molly says:
but if you watch me close enough.. i think
it shows... all the time

Lenn says:
true...

Molly says:
you've noticed?

Lenn says:
no molly, i havent noticed how my best
friend really feels...

Molly says:
... its so hard to laugh these days.. to
actually have a good time without faking it... I've been
pasting on a smile for 2 fucking months

Lenn says:
of course i have
but alot of people dont
can i make you smile?
......err, have i made you smile

Molly says:
yes (L)

Lenn says:
:)
(L)

Molly says:
thank you for everything lenn

Lenn says:
thank you too molly
its not just me making you smile, you do
it to me too
and wow that sounds erotic

Molly says:
yaye
wait.. i didn't mean yaye erotica....

Lenn says:
hahah

Molly says:
or did I :-O ;)

Lenn says:
swift molly ....... :-O ;)
---------------------
I Love Him.


15th February, 2005. 7:12 am. Forget Who You're Pretending To Be

Writing this before school... I just feel... I don't know.
But I can't handle too much more of this.
There's all this crap with Dorothy.. then my dad.. then Veronica.. and Rachel.
I love her so much.. and I just want to help her.. but I'm not sure if can..
I need to be in control, have the power to change things, if I don't feel in control I break down.
I wasn't in control when my mom got sick.. there was nothing i could do, just sit there and wait... and be there for her.. but that didn't do much now DID it?
I just wonder if there was more we could've done.
I want to help Rachel so badly.. she just wants to stop hating herself... she WANTS help now, she didn't before. But what can I do.. she looks in the mirror and hates what she sees.. and believes what she sees it what everyone else does too...
but she's beautiful...
I can't handle anymore of this.. and i feel like, no matter how many friends I seem to be making.. just more connections lately.. and getting closer to them all, there's no one I can ever TALK to... because that ONE person, the one who's instinct is loving and listening and nurturing, my ONE is gone... who do I have now..

Well, I need to stop complaining about my life and get ready for school.

27th February, 2005. 5:40 pm. I don't want to feel this way
V decided that she wanted to die last night.. she had pills andshe was really scaring us and Lennie... he was trying to stop her.. we all were...
Then Rachel starts crying.. and I start crying.. so we're bawling.. Lennie's telling us to please stop crying.. but he looks like he is too

I couldn't stand losing her.. I would kill myself.. then Lenn would've lost both of us and...
Rach and I were still having a good time though, after we knew VeeVee was okay...I was happy the whole night.. it's the first I've been happy in months
approx. 3.... 3 months march 10... but I didn't WANT to feel good.. It sucks feeling that fear.. that pain ... but I couldn't NOT.. and at the same time i couldnt get rid of the mood i was in...

I felt like crap for feeling that way.. and now I'm... confused...

And V keeps signing in but talking to no one.. not even Lenn, and she always answers him.

He called her today, but no answer...
I'm so scared....

7th March, 2005. 5:52 pm. The world we loved forever gone, we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are...

School depresses me.
3 months later (3 months in 3 days) people still treat me differently because of my mom.. (even some JOBIES have been..) I need them to just be them.

Apparently it takes a full year for a death like this to sink it.. but it sure is starting to now.. and it's agonizing.

So. At school I have THAT on my mind, Veronica depressed about Lenn, Lenn in his own little Lennie psychoanalyzed world, and the rest of the people around me just fixtures of this life I live.

This life I've never lived before, this life I can't believe I'm living in.
Even now I'm being selfish, after all that has gone on I still feel like such a brat for feeling this way. For thinking about how I didn't want things to change.. how I don't want a life without her...
...and yet, the thoughts are still there.

I told V about it.. sort of.. about how I feel responsible for some of the pain my mom went through...
how she was FINE and then BOOM she was sick.. and how I remember hoping, when she went to the doctors, that she'd be admitted, because I was getting tired of taking care of her for the past week.. she was fine before that week...

The details of that following week are fuzzy.. I remember seeing how serious it was when she started seeing things, she wasn't insane.. she KNEW they werent there.. which is why she wanted them to go away.
I remember begging my dad not to take me to visit her.. I didnt like seeing her like that...
How selfish of me!!!
Those were my last times with her and I was too much of a fucking spoiled brat to spend them with her.
Because 5 days later, she was gone.

No one expected it... part of me knew.. but it didn't kick in until the doctor said it.. when they called the school and said my dad had to take me to the hospital as soon as 3 o clock came, I knew it was all over, and yet, I didnt think she'd actually be leaving.. I just thought the hospital stage was over.. I was crying, because I was scared of the next stage.

I don't understand how the words came so easily from my mouth.. "she's dead.. they unplugged her"
but i called rachel 30 minutes after the doctor told us there was nothing they could do.. she cried.. I didn't.
I went to the jobie party that night, and had fun.. I wish i had gone to school the next day.. and told them in person.. I wish I could've hugged my friends and cried... but I had to stay home.. and call them that night.. tell V and Lenn in the same monotone that she was dead.
I thought they would know.. Colin knew.. why hadn't he said something?
I thought they wouldn't be shocked, because the shock still hadn't hit ME yet.. but they were.

.... I caused this.

---------------------------------------


I don't know why I posted so many of those.
I just found all of them.
I always seemed to pass over them when I look at my old blog.
I was pretty screwed up, right?
I'm not like that anymore, right?

...I found the cute little poem I wrote and read at my mom's funeral.
I don't even recognize the girl who wrote that anymore.


Never thought I'd live without you,
Never thought I could,
Now you're gone- we're all alone,
I guess I probably should.
I heard you cry in frustration,
At the turning events in your life,
But those times I choose to forget,
Remember the smiles, not the strife.
I saw you lying in a hospital bed,
Barely holding on,
But I know the times we need to remember,
Are the laughter and the songs.
So remember her smile,
Remember her laugh,
Remember how she cared.
And I'll remember her warm hugs,
And how she held me when I got scared.
Remember she is here with us,
As we recall all she's been through,
And she will laugh and shake her head,
And remember the good times too.
Wherever you go and whatever you do,
Remember she is there with you,
And when our time to leave arrives,
She'll be waiting to greet us with open arms.
She was a mother,
A daughter,
A friend,
Now she's an angel,
And we'll see her again.

As sure as the sun's gonna rise

I want to go to sleep but I can't, so I'm wasting time in this.
I'm talking to Morin about stupid things like movies and the word radtacular.
Today was actually pretty cool.
The graffiti cleaning was absolutely tiring and I think I actually burnt my nose
(in the RAIN), but it was still moderately stellar.
When we got back to the church we rested in the sanctuary and ate pizza...
well, mostly everyone did; I ended up playing one on one basketball against Tyler.
I think I might've almost won... I couldn't tell... it involved more fighting for the ball than actually basketball, essentially.
Afterwards, we played this weird game which involved hucking plastic balls at eachother on teams.
Shawn said he made the teams fair, but the teams were basically this:

Molly
Josh Reno
Tim Latour
Chris Horniday

and then

Mike Anderson
Tyler Paquette
Justin Thomson
Katelyn "Brickwall" Bledsoe

...not what I'd exactly call fair.
Long story short, after 2 rounds, Mike was switched to our team.
We actually started winning after that, even though Mike kept getting killed.
Until Camille came to play and LET Tyler take our bowling pin because she didn't know he wasn't from our team.

After that Camille, Josh, Mike Tyler and I went to subway and ate food,
and Camille drove them home then me.

...and I heard a cool story about when Camille's mom worked for Tyler's dad back when Tyler was a little chunky kid and Tyler got his hand stuck in a vending machine.

Camille: and no one noticed the fat kid had his hand stuck in the vending machine for 4 hours


Well, I think that's a good note to end on, so I'm off to sleep.
<3

I can't remember 1989; I can't remember what you looked like

I remember a little while ago I started crying because I couldn't remember my moms voice.
I was sitting there and Rachel turned to me and said
"I remember. It was beautiful."

I still can't remember it.
I can sit here and envision Carlye or Caitlyn or Mike Anderson's voice.
I can even remember Ms.McMaster, my grade 10 english teacher.
Or Monsieur Jeserzek's French accent.
But not her voice.
I can remember her face.
and her smile.
And every sinlgle crease in her hand.
The way her bangs fell across her forehead.
The freckles on her nose.
But not the sound of her voice.

I'm going to email my Oma and get her to send me some of our old home videos.

Passive attraction;programmed reaction

I hate that I haven't been able to write anymore.
I mean, that was always my thing.
I've changed a lot in my life.
I think of myself as a chemistry experiment.
My friends have changed, my address has changed, my interests have changed.
But my writing has always been the control. The constant unchanged component that everything just whirls around before it steps out of my life.
Because everything and everyone eventually sidesteps out.
In grade two I was friends with Alice, Joanne and Sarah.
I listened to Spice Girls. My favorite thing in the world was riding my bike around the "circle" with my brother and Sarah.
And to sit in that crabapple tree in our front yard on Kenmuir Road and write short stories. I remember I named it Bertha.
Grade 7 meant Alexis, Veronica and Jasmine.
I listened to whatever was on the radio.
I spent my time at jobies, even though it was the last place I wanted to be.
I lived on Sundown, Allsbrook, and Hickey.
And wished I was somewhere else.
My salvation was Rachel.
Rachel and writing.
Writing about girls happier than I was.
Grade 9 was Veronica, Lennie, Sami, Shannsy, Tori and everyone in between.
I listened to Our Lady Peace and searched for a deeper meaning.
I spent my time on the phone with Lennie.
I wrote poems about cute boys from Drama Club.
I wrote long letters to Lennie about all my deepest secrets and he responded back with his.
Grade eleven was when it all got interesting.
My numero uno com padres were Rachel, Camille and Carlye... for the most part.
Another new town, another new life.
I wrote about everything.
Each of these times in my life I was a completely new person.
New interests, new beliefs... new postal codes.
Whether I was loving life or wishing I could just cease to exist, I was always sure of one thing; I had no idea who I was.
Now I know.
I know that I know.
So why am I completely lost of words?
Why is everything I write so redundant?
I was talking to my aunt the other night, and she said that my mom will always be proud of me, but the one thing that would break her heart is how I've completely given up on my dream.
But was it ever really MY dream? Or was it hers all along?
I'm not saying writing isn't important to me anymore, I just can't seem to find the words or the will.

I found an old blog entry I made



Passive Attraction; Programmed Reaction
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I love the feeling I get.
It's indescribable.
How my heart swells and palpitates
How my stomach quavers
As the words pour from my heart, to my brain to the tip of my pen.
No feeling will ever equate the feelings I get when I write.
I can't surmise the way it feels to pour my sentiment, my soul, my spirit onto paper.
To relate my inner animosity or innate fervor.
Every word hold such boundless significance.

And yet... I can't help but find it frivolous to generate a career from it.

I just don't know what to do.
Henri Coulette amazes me.
I read his biography.. and he always seemed so sure.
Is that how it's supposed to be?
Planned out?
Maybe the fact that I doubt myself is a sign
A sign that it's not worth it...

Black Angel
Where are the people as beautiful as poems
As calm as mirrors
With their oceanic longings
The idler whom reflection loved
The woman with the iridescent brow
For I would bring them flowers.

I think of that friend too much moved by music
Who turned to games
And made a game of boredom
Of that one too much moved by faces
Who turned his face to the wall
And of that marvelous liar
Who turned, at last, to the truth

They are the past of what was always future
They speak in tongues
Silently, about nothing
They are like old streetcars buried at sea
In the wrong element
With nowhere to go

I will not meet her eye
Although I shall, but here's a butterfly
And a white flower
And the moon rising on my nail
This is the presence of things present
Where flying woefully is like closing sweetly
And there is nothing else.

Currently Reading :
The war of the secret agents,: And other poems
By Henri Coulette
Release date: By 1966

LOL

Caitlyn.. NO HOSANNA TOMORROW says:
I love God
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
that's always good
Caitlyn.. NO HOSANNA TOMORROW says:
I love Mike Anderson so much
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
he's pretty rad
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
except when he kept stroking my arm and my face all night
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
that was just uncomfortable
Caitlyn.. NO HOSANNA TOMORROW says:
he's on odd child
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
tell him to get off them then
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
(I'm hi-larious)
Caitlyn.. NO HOSANNA TOMORROW says:
I WAS HOPING YOU WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
<3

The "one"

Lily: The whole idea of "the one" is so much pressure, if you love someone shouldn't you just set them free?
Ray: Set them free? Are you crazy, woman!? If you love someone, you hang on to them until their arms are ripped out of their sockets, then you put them into a scissor hold!

Houses

Molly -|-And I, in time, will come around; I always do for you.-|- (dwnstrs) says:
yay! a new house
now nanaimo feels like home
Molly -|-And I, in time, will come around; I always do for you.-|- (dwnstrs) says:
i don't truly feel like i have a hometown until i've lived in a few houses in various parts of it
Caitlyn.. Awake! Daughter of Zion! says:
I've had 9 houses in nanaimo
Molly -|-And I, in time, will come around; I always do for you.-|- (dwnstrs) says:
I've lived in 8 different towns
Caitlyn.. Awake! Daughter of Zion! says:
high fives


Let's make a tally, shall we?

Vancouver
one

Coquitlum
two

Youbou
one

Qualicum Bay
one

Bowser
two

Errington
one

Parksville
three

Nanaimo
one.. soon to be two

13 houses.
What fun.