And even if it all falls through, I'm here and I hear you

Okay Mom,
I swear.. this is my last letter to you.
What a lie.
I swore to myself I'd stop writing to you.
It was supposed to be "grief therapy"
Well, when will the grief end?
Yeah... my mom died, trust me... the severity is not lost on me,
but the fact that it has to take over my life.. how is that fair.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my seventeen years, Mom...
but I have forgiveness, right? So why do I have this torment following
me around. I'm not laying a guilt trip on you or anything... I know this
was never your plan... I know you loved me. People tell me all the time.
"Your mother loved you so much" "You were your moms entire world"
"All your mom ever wanted for you was everything she never had"
It's the most ironic statement to say to a kid who's mother has just
kicked the bucket. I know you did mom, but do they truly
believe that these are my most gleeful moments?
I'm not trivializing it Mom, I'm just attempting to simplify.
I'm not complaining that I have a horrible burdened life because of
your death, because I don't. I love my life... I love it more than I ever have.
What I hate is whenever I'm at my happiest, it's never anyone else's happiest.
When I was happy back "in the day", that's all it was.
Pure simple happiness.
Now it's happy... and still kind of bummed out.
Or when I'm sad, you're not there to fix it.
I know teenage girls rarely go to their moms for advice,
even if they probably should... but I don't even HAVE the option.
This is getting sort of bratty, which was never my intention.
When did this happen mom? I tell everyone I'm SO over it
and SO okay. But I'm not, I never was. It still feels like one
big dream. Like I could wake up tomorrow and be living back on
Alsbrook Road in our 19th century house, with a dog and 3 cats and my
room across from my brothers. And you would have never gotten sick.
I would be 14 again, you would be in the garden, dad would be at work.
I would have no memory of NDSS or the Salvation Army, I would be best
friends with Alexis or Sami or Veronica (How weird is that?) and best
friends with Rachel, the girl who goes to school 2 cities away but
is still the most amazing friend I could ever have.
I'd have long blond hair and cute clothes and my perfect
naive princess life.
The truly ironic thing is, I don't want any of that.
I want to be a 17 year old who lives in a pathetic townhouse in Nanaimo
who is about to MAYBE graduate from NDSS. Who is worried
about friends and ex boyfriends and prom and psychology projects.
I want to be a girl who is normal, down to earth, VERY lacking in the naive
princess qualities and who has a mom.
But I can't have my cake and eat it too, can I mom?
Nope. Not me. Not anyone.
Which is why this is not a complaining letter.
Nothing comes from complaining.
Because in the end, I know that this isn't a dream and you aren't coming
back and I still have to deal with all of this on my own.
And I'm okay with that.
For now.
But get back to me tomorrow.
My entire opinion could have changed by then.
I'm a 17 year old girl.
It's what I do.