Is it in you now, to bear to hear the truth that you have spoken?

Hey mom,
how's the afterlife?
So I guess by now you're all caught up with everything concerning dad.
Are you surprised?
You know, after everything you've been through, I would think that nothing
can shock you. I guess that's kind of how it is with me these days. I'm numb to all of that.
It reminds me of that story from when Chelsea was a toddler and was walking on the beach with Aunty Carol and stepped on some barnacles and her feet started to bleed.
Aunty Carol said "Oh no Chelsea! Look at your feet!" and Chelsea responded with "Strawberry Jelly?"
My reflexes are shot. It's not like I'm cold or cut off from the world's emotions, I feel pain and love and fear. Mostly just fear. The only differences is, it doesn't wound me. I just struggle through it.
It's sad to think that my mom being dead is just a sidenote to the rest of the tragedies of my life. I barely even think of it anymore. I still think of you when someone mentions their mother, but I can barely summon up the feelings to be sad.
It's not like I have no feelings anymore... it's just that that area of my life seems infantile compared to the rest of this.
I don't want you to feel unimportant, mom. You're anything but.
Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I could have turned into if
you were still around. I wonder if I would have become someone you could be proud of.
I don't hate myself mom, or beat myself up for who I am. I can deal with my mistakes... and I can deal with my sins... I just can't help but wonder if I would have stood a real chance.
I feel like I could have been so much more, such a better contribution. I could have loved people like crazy, made people feel wanted and important. I could have fed starving children and volunteered at hospitals.
You were a girl guide, you were a candystriper, you were a PAC mom and you made cookies for your daughter and half her class.
Yu were everything I will never amount to.
You changed people's days with a smile. People were better having known you... I just make people resent having talked to me.
I hate that no one will ever know you. All my friends and people at my church will never meet you. You will fade away into my past and be forgotten. You could have changed the world and now the world will never even know you existed at all.
I can talk about you, but it's not the same. You were so much more than tender words and good deeds. You were soft hands and warm hugs and soothing words in the middle of a thunder storm.
I hate going through this storm without you.
Love,
Your Moo