If we're adding to the noise...

You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

There is definitely no confusion there, and I fully believe in that teaching of Jesus.
(Not that I don't firmly believe in all the other ones)
My amazing bible study teacher, Dave Perry, told us when we were studying Matthew, that if he ever finds himself looking at another woman, he apologizes to Shirley (his wife) as soon as he sees her.
What I wonder is... does it stretch beyond that?
What about emotional infidelity? Having feelings for someone other than your significant other? Now I'm not just talking of loose physical attraction. I mean feelings of the deepest kind.
I sometimes worry for my friends when they discuss loving their boyfriends or girlfriends but still harbouring that emotional tie to an ex beau... or a new one.
It doesn't diminish the feelings for the first person, but definitely causes turmoil.
Now my personal belief is if you're feeling anything that makes you doubt your initial relationship, it crosses the line... whether it's in your own control or not.
I don't know why I'm blogging this and going nowhere in particular with it. It's 2:30 in the AM and I am delusional. hot and confused.
I was just talking to Caitlyn (after our discussion of "what constitutes cheating?") about how I've been raised many times. It's sad for me to realize I don't remember much of what I learned from my mom. She raised me for the first 15 years of my life. She taught me how to walk and talk and saw my first laugh.
Those are big stepping stones... and yet, I feel cut off from it all.
It's so hard to explain what it's like to feel like you don't have a past...
everything prior to 3 years ago is like a movie that I watched years ago but it didn't have enough of an impact on me at the time to watch it more than once, and I only half paid attention because I was talking to a friend through most of it and the color and sound were kind of bad and some of the characters didn't develop quite right and the plot had too many twists to make it believable.
My entire life has this fuzzy-around-the-edges quality to it.
Memories of my mom, swimming in the lake with my brother, being pushed on the swing by my dad... things that happened that I didn't quite understand at the time... and will never have the chance to because the person who lived it is gone.
I can't just go up to my mom and ask "Why did you keep your illness a secret for so long?" or "Why did you never seem scared?"
I can't reflect on memories with her
"Remember that time I helped you run a Brownie campout with your brownie troop and got to dress up like an alien?"
So eventually the images get blurrier and the edges more torn and just fade away completely.