Desperate, we will lift up our hands

So, I still hate money.
hate hate HATE.
I was discussing all my dreams last night with Luke. About how I want to go to Seattle Pacific or Davis, or even Columbia (in... wait for it... Abbotsford...ugh)
How I want to study Journalism and Literature and Theatre and Theology. That I don't want to let go of my dream to be a screenwriter or journalist, or how maybe I can one day gain enough influence to actually make a difference. Make people listen. Or maybe, God willing, even get the chance to get into Video Journalism.
As Luke was relating his dreams of traveling the world taking photos, I felt my heart breaking. I would love to go to school and learn and grow and travel. It'd be so awesome to zoom around the world with Luke, molding what I see into descriptive sentences and pairing them with his glossy photographs. It would be a dream come true. But deep down, I know that's all it is. A dream. I don't have the money or the means to get into Davis. I'm about 20 grand short. Probably more. People like me don't get into amazing schools like that. Don't travel the world, moving people with their words. They don't even stay grounded in their suffocatingly familiar province and do all that.
They sit behind a desk in a dreary office, building up their pension until they're 65 and can take a cruise to Alaska and then maybe buy a condo in a retirement village like Qualicum.
Huzzah.

My So-Called Disappointment

I think that if they knew the last episode of My So-Called Life was going to be the last one, then during that pivotal moment where Brian Krakow admits to writing the beautiful love letter to Angela, it just should have ended in them sharing an epic cinematic kiss.
I mean, come on, she kissed Jordan when she thought he;d written it. They made out in the hallway before homeroom.
It's just not fair.
My love for you is eternal, Brian Krakow.



Dear Angela,

I know in the past I've caused you pain, and I'm sorry. And I'll always be sorry til the day I die. And I hate this pen I'm holding, because I should be holding you. And I hate this paper under my hand because it isn't you. I even hate this letter because it's not the whole truth. Because the whole truth is so much more than a letter can even say. If you wanna hate me, go ahead. If you wanna burn this letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down. You could tell me to go to hell. I'd go. If you wanted me to. And I'd send you a letter from there.

Sincerely,

Jordan Catalano

Hide behind your half smile but the truth is so undeniable

Despite some things that aren't picture perfect in my life right now, I look out the window at the bright street and listen to the happy bird songs and I wonder how someone couldn't feel so blessed today.
The warmth of summer always manages to brighten up my heart and soul, without fail.
I can't wait for the summer to get into full swing. Friends, laughter, and love.
Life is never perfect, but as I sit here and the sun warms my face, I wonder how anything could possibly go wrong when the world is feeling this glorious.

Infatuation Turning Into Disease

So I realized something pretty huge today. I thought, in passing, of my mom.
In passing.
It was bizarre. I was sitting listening to my ipod and I was like "hey, at one point in time, I had a mother" and it was the craziest thing. Not because I forgot or anything. I blogged about her death last night, and I glanced at her photo album last night as I was climbing into bed.
It's not as if I forgot she ever existed, or that she doesn't anymore, so much.
It was the realization that I'm not in mourning. I mention her, I think about her while listening to my ipod, and I'm sad... but it's more of an "aw shucks, I miss that lady" than the old "how will I ever survive without her?".
I used to wonder daily is I'd ever be a normal girl with normal problems. Boys, school, friends... without the underlying mom drama. Everything seemed so juvenile in comparison. Sometimes I wonder if that's how I kept out of trouble for all those years, and steered clear of my boy induced dramas, because I was too busy focusing on my lack of maternal slush.
And now as I reflect on the past few months, I had a bit of a revelation.
I am a normal girl with normal boy drama, friend drama, drama drama.
And I realized something else... it blows.
I'm so tremendously grateful to God for removing that ache from my heart and providing me with the strength to move on.
But come on now, throw me a bone here!
I'm new to this teenage girl thing, remember?

Oi.

I don't need a miracle to believe

Michelle Marie Latour


Never give up on or doubt yourself.
Don't second guess who you are or anything you stand for,
You're beautiful and I live to hear you giggle.
I pray you never lose that sparkle in your eye.
You're a superstar, and never EVER think you're anything less.
Don't settle. Only accept the best.
Only the one who fits each of your requirements.
You deserve only the best.
Heck , we both do.
I'm so proud of you.
Never doubt that either, kay?
I love you, Chellebaby.
Bestfriends.

Even in the crashing down, I can hear redeption calling

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:32-33

In this world you will have trouble.

That sentence isn't the kind ready for open interpretation. It doesn't leave you unsure of where you stand or it's meaning. It's simple and to the point.
In this world, in this life, you will have trouble. You will strive and you will fail, you will hurt and cry and mess up countless times and break hearts and have your own shattered. You will wake up some mornings and not want to get out of bed. Crap happens.
But take heart!
Do not fear! Dry your tears and rejoice!
I have overcome the world.
King of Kings, Lord of Lords. The Creator, Alpha and Omega, has overcome this world, this life, this trouble, torment and pain.
That sentence is as simple and concrete as the first.
Take heart! I have overcome the world.

I've been thinking a lot about this verse in particular lately. In this world you will have trouble.
Not maybe... You will.
Absolutely, no doubt about it.
Hold on tight.
I think back to all the times in my life when I have felt alone and hopeless and wondering if it will ever get better. The days, weeks and months after my mom passed away, I was certain that feeling in the pit of my stomach would never go away. That despair and emptiness that remained in her absence. I only recently remembered how much I used to refer to that emptiness. And only then did I notice that it's gone. I started to think back, way back, to before my mom passed away. When I look back at pictures from back then, I barely recognize myself. I was the tiny girl (yeah, yeah, still tiny) with the longest, blondest hair and the sparkle in my eye. I was the one who sat on the phone with my friends for hours telling them that it would get better, as long as they had faith.
The more I thought about it, the more I knew. It wasn't my lack of a mother that had me feeling empty for those passing weeks and months. It was my lack of faith. I'd lost my hope and my belief that it would get better.
I've had a lot of those moments since then, trust me.
Life will never be a walk in the park. There will always be trouble. But God has defeated this world, Jesus has battled the trouble and won.
Take heart. I have overcome the world.

Beautiful To Me --- 2 Corinthians 6:14

So today we had a bible study on, what else? Relationships.
Chelle was leading it (and did SUCH an incredible job; I'm so freaking proud of her) and we talked about what we thought relationship meant, about having a relationship that glorifies God.
At one point someone asked why we were talking about how hard it is to date non-Christians. Chelle, Carlye and I started talking about how you think you can save them, but it becomes something more physical than spiritual. I began quoting a conversation I used to have a lot in highschool. About how I knew I could never be in a relationship with a non-believer - not as a judgement call - because I want the person I love to be someone I can share EVERYTHING with. Marriage is meant to be the binding of two souls, and if I can't share my love of God with them, it would drive a wedge between us. Eventually, I'd have to choose between them and God. And I don't want to do that to someone I love - or to my God.
I caught myself at this point, speaking so passionately about my hopes and dreams and everything I wanted for the future, and I wondered "how did I get so misguided?" I used to be so sure of where I stood and who I was. I spent all my highschool years passionately defending my choices and my faith, and yet once that rollercoaster was over, I chose THEN to fall apart.
But not anymore.
I know who I am and where my identity, faith and morals lie.
In my Lord.


Worn out, wasted
Like a bird with broken wings
Sometimes grace reminds me
I don't get to be the King

But love it washes over
Love it pulls me closer
Love it changes everything

Everything is beautiful
Even when the tears are falling
I don't need a miracle to believe
Even in the crashing down
I can hear redemption calling
And everything is beautiful to me

Sweetly, You release me
From the weight of what I've done
The trigger trips the hammer
But the bullets never come

And love it washes over
Love it pulls me closer
Love it changes everything

Everything is beautiful
Even when the tears are falling
I don't need a miracle to believe
Even in the crashing down
I can hear redemption calling
And everything is beautiful to me

And love like a landslide
Like the wind
Spins around me pulls me in
At it's unveiling, I begin

Everything is beautiful
Even when the tears are falling
I don't need a miracle to believe
Even in the crashing down
I can hear redemption calling
And everything is beautiful to me

Reign In Us

You thought of us before the world began to breathe
You knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from You
and how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for Your touch

Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that You would reign
that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign
that You would reign in us

Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
come search our hearts and purify our lives
we need Your perfect love we need Your discipline
we're lost unless You guide us with Your light

Lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for Your touch

Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that You would reign
that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign
that You would reign in us

we cry out for Your life to revive us; cry out
for Your love to define us; CRY OUT
for Your mercy to keep us
blameless until You return

Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that You would reign
that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign
that You would reign in us

So reign please reign in us
come purify our hearts
we need Your touch
come cleanse us like a flood
and set us out
so the world may know you reign
you reign in us

And How Am I Supposed To Tell You How I Feel? I need Oxygen

This just in.
Sally Ann Bible Studies are and always will be the bomb.

Clayton: So, why is it that when we meet someone we notice the physical stuff right away?
Carlye: Cause when you first see someone you're not like "their favourite color is green", you're like "they have a nice face"

*Making lists of Top 5 qualities we look for in a "significant other"*
Molly: can I put "pretty eeeeyes?"
Michelle: Nope, I said no "pretty eyes" or "cute butt"
Carlye: Aw man, but I already wrote "cute butt"
Spackwood: And I've got "nice hair"

Also, I love sitting on overstuffed couches with Taylor Mclennan for an hour talking about boys.
Just sayin'.

Take Time To Realize That I Am On Your Side

Ohhhh boy.
Today was so... jam packed.
Not exactly in a super awesome way, either.
Friends are hurting, and my heart is filled with anxiousness.
But you know what? I still love life a lot.
It's such a good feeling, a feeling I forgot I could feel.
I'm not saying the past few weeks have been complete torture or anything...
but the entire time, I always had this sick feeling in my stomach.
My life still had a lot of good aspects to it, and I'm not saying I didn't enjoy the time I spent with everyone, and the good times had by all... but it wasn't this.
This is good. This is happiness.
No. Scratch that.
Because I'm not saying that I'm happy all the time now. Aspects of my life still suck, people I love a lot are still getting hurt, I'M still feeling pretty wounded by some things, but it's almost like, in the long run, none of that matters. I can still close my eyes and feel good. My heart feels full, my soul feels like it's singing.
Shawn and I had a conversation about a year ago, while we were driving to his house. He asked me how everything was going, he asked me if I was happy. I told him that more or less, yes, I had a lot to be thankful for; him, the congregation, my friends, my teachers... and he told me that happiness doesn't mean anything. Happiness is a fleeting emotion, just like all the others.
Lust is temporary, anger, sadness, envy, and yes, even happiness.
He paused and asked "Molly, are you joyful? Because happiness is so temporary. Someone can give you a hug, or even a ten bucks, and it can bring you happiness... but joyfulness, it's almost like a testament to God, praising him for blessing you with a life filled with happiness, with struggles, with tears, but with overall joy. "

I am joyous.
Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I feel envious or blinded by anger, but my life is a joyous one. I am filled and overflowing with joy.
Joy and praise.

As The Sparrow

To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea
I pass upon serious inward-breaking shoals rimmed
with white-legged, white-bellied rotting creatures
lengthily dead and rioting against surrounding scenes.
Dear child, I only did to you what the sparrow
did to you; I am old when it is fashionable to be
young; I cry when it is fashionable to laugh.
I hated you when it would have taken less courage
to love.

Charles Bukowski

On a side note

I missed laughter. It feels good to laugh again.

Still a baby in a cradle gotta take my first fall, but baby's getting nowhere with her back against the wall

Alright, so I fully realize that I've posted about 50 gillion entries tonight... but I have a lot to...uh... muse.
Besides, I'm rocking out to Sara Bareille's album, which can totally bring inspiration out of anybody.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about home. Not the house I live in, but my home. Or your home, or your 3rd grade music teachers home, or Barak Obama's home. The idea of home.
My favourite quote, as most people know, since I bring it up fairly often, is from the movie Garden State.
You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? ... that idea of home is gone ... Maybe that's all family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
However, lately, the more I think about it, the more I figure that maybe we have more than one home. The difference between a physical home, a shelter that we reside in, and a more spiritual, emotional home is that a home is a sort of environment... "a valued place offering security and happiness." More than that, though, I think it offers lessons.
I mean, think of the places that, at some point, you've considered your home, before it adjusted and your views of your home changed.
I think the places you do, or at one time did, consider home all have one thing in common. They honed some skill. You learned something. You grew or got hurt and learned to heal or you witnessed a miracle and it still stayed in your heart.
I believe our homes change, not because we relocate, or our parents divorce, or someone new enters our niche. I think they change as we change. I think we grow and learn and polish our character and make the choices on who we want to be. And once that happens, we outgrow our old home, like a crab, and have to search for a new home to learn and grow in.

honey, honey, honey, you're the death of me; won't stop holding my hands down

So I've had plans to go away for awhile lately. To get O-U-T, OUT of Nanaimo, in the hopes that the stress that's causing me to keel over in pain/emotional-strain will subside. And yet, when the option was presented to me, I freaked. It wasn't a very reliable way out, granted, but it was a WAY. I realized then that I didn't want out of here, I love this place. This place saved me. One day, I will move on, I'll be a big girl and go out into the world and travel and fall in love and have my heart broken and do all those other wonderful things... but right now, I just want to get out on my own in the city I know and love with my friends I treasure and take the world with them.

post-script: yeah, yeah, I know... there's more to it. I wouldn't dare keep THAT from you. Something is keeping me here. And as I figure out exactly what that is, you'll be the first to know... As soon as I narrow down what... or rather, who... Furthermore... which who?


♥

Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head.
Here's a simplification of everything we're going though
You plus me is bad news
But you're a lovely creation and I like to think that I am too
But my friend said I look better without you.
Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head.

Cause it'll change with the season and you'll be the reason why

Every single year since before I can remember, winter has always been that lull between optimisms. I can look back on journal entries from back when I was 13 and it holds true. Winter always meant more drama with friends, more lame depressions over the opposite sex, more negativity towards my mom, my dad, my brother, myself.
Every year, like clockwork, the excitement over a new year subsides, the temperature drops, the snow falls, and for a moment, it's peaceful. As much as December brings forth a lot of pain and regret regarding my mom's wintery death, it also brings a lot of reflection. I can stand out in the snow and feel so clear and fresh, and feel like she's right beside me.
However, after that passes, the chill and the bitterness of the season just seem to stretch on. Winter always seems to drag it's feet. I always lose a bit of my hope that the sun and the warmth will ever return.
But it always does, and this year is no different.
I looked outside today and watched the sun glistening on the pavement. I saw the little girl across the street teaching her brother to ride a tricycle. I saw a shadows cast by appletrees and felt the sun warming my shoulders. And I reflected on my life. Nothing has really changed. Same friends (albeit some new ones), same boys (well, not since I was 13, but you get the gist), same parents (whether they walk with us, or with the J-man), same socially-lacking, sometimes aggravating, wonderful, loving, brother. Same overanalytical, heart-locked-up-in-a-steel-box-with-lots-of-deadbolts me. But everything seems so much less extreme with the sun streaming through the window and sizzling on the streets.
I feel like I never want to leave here. The past few months I've had moments that I've wanted to curl up in a ball and never leave my room, and days when I just want to run away to the furthest corner of the earth. Away from regret and disappointment and guilt and mixed signals.
But now I just want to lie back on warm beaches with my incredible friends laughing and enjoy being young and in God's grace.

ps. For the record, Carlye and I are FAN-FLIPPIN-TASTIC

CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
i have a confession.
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
i enjoy the new miley cyrus song.
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
ohmygoshmetoo.
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
i thought i was the only one
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
...over 15
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
me and michelle love it
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
hahahaha
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
hahahahaa
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
"the next time we hang out, i will redeem myselffff"
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
hahaha
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
"my best friend leslie says she's just being miley"
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
...ive never met a leslie
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
...under 45
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
hahahaha
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
and who wasnt a lesbian
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
hahahahaha
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
hey, we dont know about leslie
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
except shes ,like, 15
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
i wanted to post this in my blog, but i dont want to offend the heterosexual leslie's of the world
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
hahahahahaa

Time and Confusion

I was reading your blog a few minutes ago and it made me cry.
I'm not sure what kind of tears they were... but they were there.
I wish things were still like that.
Not for me; for you.
You were happy once.
We all were.
I don't want you to hurt anymore.

Courage

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. In the sight of God, who gives life to everything, and of Christ Jesus, who while testifying before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, I charge you to keep this command without spot or blame until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which God will bring about in his own time--God, the blessed and only Ruler, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light, whom no one has seen or can see.
1 Timothy 6:12-16

Rather live my life in regret than do this

When I was in grade 8, my best friend since elementary school decided I wasn't worth her time, or anyone else's and I spent the entire year kind of alienated.
About 4 months after my mom died in grade 10, my best friend decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore and I ended up switching schools because being there hurt.
About a year ago, I was having a pretty rough time. My dad was doing the disappearing act again, I'd lost someone who was really important to me for a very long time, and everything felt out of sorts.
I was at bible study one day, and someone sat me down and told me to list 10 good things about my day or my life, and 10 things I liked about myself. She told me that she was always going to be there for me so I'd better be used to it, and she wasnt going to let me be hurt anymore. She made me do that every day for about 2 months. We'd talk every night and every night before I'd go to sleep she'd make me give her my list.
Today I was sitting on that exact same couch curled up in a ball crying, and I made myself list 10 good things in my life. And it was weird, because those 3 times were huge painful time in my life that I always seem to pinpoint right away. My 3 closest friends in life disappearing. But none of those times were as bad as this moment, right now. Or that moment today, on the couch.
I guess none of those people were worth the friendships they at one time had offered.
But this time is different, and I don't know what to do.

Don't give away the end; the only thing that stays mine

I cried for the first time in awhile today. Real crying. Real tears. I cried for myself and for you, and for Ben and for the starving people in Africa and the lonely and the brokenhearted and every single person that has ever felt pain.
I don't exactly know how to describe the way I feel these days. Broken?
My heart actually hurts. It feels like someone is squeezing my chest as tight as they possibly can. I feel like curling up into a tiny ball until I disappear so I can stop... affecting things. The only affects I make are bad ones. It's like I have this little crack in my soul that makes me hurt the people I love the most. Because of the last few years, I really dislike change, and yet I find myself on this warpath to destroy everything and everyone I care about before it... I don't know, spontaneously combusts? I guess it's one of those self preservation things... but it sucks.
I guess I do it so people can't abandon me; so I can't be alone.
Well, and here's the real kicker, now I've never felt more alone in my life... and it's all my fault.


I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live not stopping
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

The Tragic of Youth and the Toy of Life

So I just got home from Grand Sessions. What an... experience.
It was basically a mix of trips to the mall, late nights with early risings,
icky asian food c/o Mrs.Sutton (chaperone extraodinaire), long ceremonies, longer waits for the elevator, fancy dresses, uncomfortable shoes, hairspray and great friends.
I'm not exactly sure where I fit into jobies anymore. I love all those girls an awful lot, but my guilt complex often just has me convinced that everyone secretly hates my guts. I was hoping it would be different in jobies, but it really isn't.
I remember a time when I belonged. Not just there, but once upon a time I belonged at youth group, too. Or when I belonged with my friends at KSS, before that ended and I ended up leaving. I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life screwing up, or searching for a place to belong. Or fearing that once I find it, I'll do what I do best, mess it up, and be back where I started.
I want to like who I am, but it's hard to when no one else really does.